I could hear voices fading fast as the darkness engulfed me….
“The light was green! I was behind him! The trooper was behind me! We saw the whole thing!” A man yelled.
“Get back,we’ve got to get that fire out!” Another voice cried out.
“Is he alive? Can they get him out? Let the paramedics through!” Still another…
“Oh my God! I never saw him! I didn’t know which light was mine!” Yet another voice.
I felt a hand on my shoulder…then a comforting voice,’The Voice’, “Sir,are you okay? Where are you hurt? We’ll have you out in a minute…hold on…”
‘Christian…Daddy loves you, lil man…’ was my sole thought as I slipped off the precipice into a blackness like I had never known…
***
What a beautiful day to die…
It was Saturday,the sun was bright,the weather was nice and I was feeling on top of the world. I had just driven back across country from California visiting Veronica (Roni) and Christian. I stopped at Ft.Hood,Texas and spent a couple of days in Jackson,Mississippi visiting friends. Afterwards, it was on to Jacksonville, Florida to check in on my GrandMa (‘Nana’) and my Aunt Freida for a surprise visit before going back up to Ft. Bragg,North Carolina.
I made good time coming from MS but I didn’t wanna arrive in Jacksonville in the middle of the night so I stayed in Tallahassee and left early the next morning. I made it to Jacksonville a little after 9 and beelined to the crib.Nana wasn’t in…I guess I should’ve called to let her know I was coming…So much for that surprise…
I decided I’d wait so I let myself in. I’d skipped breakfast opting instead to hit the road early and hunger pangs were starting to kick in.I rummaged through Nana’s frig but there was nothing in there that I was ‘feeling’. She was old fashioned when it came to breakfast;thick sliced bacon,scrapple,salmon, grits… Looks like McDonald’s was gonna be the spot for breakfast. I left her a note and broke out.
Enroute to Mickey D’s,I called Roni and let her know that I had gotten to Jax safely and spoke to Chris briefly.It was about 7 in Cali ,so I understood he wasn’t up for conversation that early…
“Tell Nana ‘Hello’ for me…”, he said with a yawn as he passed the phone back to his mom.We talked for a minute or two more before saying our good-byes.As I waited in the drive thru to place my order,I called my girlfriend,Tonya in NC to let her know that I had made it to Jax with no problems.She worked nights and had just gotten to sleep when I called so our conversation was a brief one…We exchanged ‘I Love You’s’ before hanging up…
I got my order and made a right turn onto the road…
It was a 4 and 1/2 lane road with 2 left turn lanes,2 straight lanes and a right turn lane that started a block from the light (hence,the 1/2) which was about two blocks from the McDonald’s.There were a couple of semi-trucks in the left turn lanes and my turn was the next left past the light so I managed to make it out into traffic and into the left straight lane a little ahead of a car that was being followed by a state trooper. As I turned into the lane,the light turned green…I smiled because I remembered that particular light being one of those long ones…
I never saw the truck,never felt the impact,don’t recall being hit…I just remembered my music blasting,the brightness of the sun and how suddenly it was all snuffed out…
***
“I got a pulse! Sir,stay with us,sir! We’ll have you out in no time! Get that neck brace over here!” Another voice.
My head pounded as a bit of light tried to return to my eyes and I fought to grasp it…capture it…hold it…Damn! It began to slip away again…
“Sir…Sir! Stay with me,sir! We’re working on getting you out of here! You’re gonna be okay!Sir! Sir!” ‘The Voice’ now had a tinge of desperation in it.
Yeah ,always comfort the dying.I remember that from basic training and the combat medical course I had taken plus the numerous times I’d been out to the ‘Box’ in JRTC (Joint Readiness Training Ctr) and NTC (Nat’l Training Ctr) doing combat exercises.
I could feel someone reaching in through my window plus someone moving on the seat beside me…
“I think we’re losing him!” I heard a voice shout,praying I wasn’t the ‘HIM’ they were referring to.I guess they forgot I wasn’t supposed to hear stuff like that…
“It looks like he was in a tin can…” I could hear another voice mutter just as some unholy noise started on my left side.
I was beginning to love their tact.
***
‘What the fuck hit me anyway?’ Was the sole though that flipped through my mind as I slipped through the dark haze…
I had just bought my Saturn SC…It looked nice,the payments fit into my budget and it was great on gas. After my divorce, money was SHORT.With the house note,child support and other bills,the Altima had to go…
It sounded as if they were trying to rip the door off and the noise of metal on metal caused me to teeter once again on the brink of a bottomless abyss of blackness.
“Sir,you gotta stay with me,sir!” ‘The Voice’ on the seat next to me said urgently almost in my ear…”What’s you’re name?”
“Ray…my name is Ray Willis.I’m a soldier on leave!” I tried to say but it came out sounding more like a series of slurs and grunts…
“Can you try to speak? Keep your eyes open,Sir!” The Voice’ pleaded.
I could tell she was trying to keep her tone neutral and restrained but I could only imagine how battered I looked. “Is this your son,sir,focus on your son!” She said taking the picture I had of Christian and I hanging from my rearview mirror and bringing it in front of my face…
‘My eyes are open?’ I ‘asked’ no one in particular. ‘Why can’t I see anything?’ ‘Focus Ray,focus!’ I proded myself…
The light began to flicker about like a fairy before my eyes…
‘Focus Ray,dammit,you gotta focus!’
…but trying to catch it brought a new pain shooting through my skull and the fairy proved to be too fast and was gone again…the blackness was almost welcomed this time…
*****
A persistent ‘Beepbeepbeep! Beepbeepbeep!’ pulled me up from the murky depths…It was my cell…’The Voice’ answered it…
“Hello…I’m with Jax Rescue…Who are you calling ma’m? Your Grandson? His name is Raymond Willis? Yes ma’m… Well he’s been in a serious accident and we’re trying to get him out of the car now…We have a Life Flight on standby to get him to Shands…You can meet us there,ma’m! Yes he’ll make it ma’m…okay ma’m but he may not be able to hear you…”
I felt a slight pressure on the side of my head,then Nana’s voice…
“Ray..it’s Grandma…Don’t you give up,baby…you better fight,baby! Grandma’s right here…you’re all I got left…you can’t leave ol’ Granny,now…I love you baby…just hold on….”
I could feel tears running down my face as the pressure was relieved,then ‘The Voice’, once again comforting,spoke…”Ma’m they’re getting ready to remove him from the vehicle now,you can meet the flight at Shands…I’m going to hang up now! Yes ma’m…Goodbye!”
I could hear her in the background…”The victim’s name is Raymond Willis,he’s a soldier on leave out of Ft. Bragg,North Carolina!
There was an unintelligible response and then ‘The Voice’ again,”No, Shands’ll have to send him to the Naval Hospital once they stabilize him,he’s critical!”
Damn! Did I really need to be hearing this crap?! ‘We’re losing him!’ ‘He’s critical!’ They could have kept that to themselves!
“Okay sir,we’re gonna remove you from the car now…” ‘The Voice’ was beside me once again.
“OHH FUUUCKKKK!”
My body was moved,my head exploded and the blackness quickly and mercifully engulfed me again,taking all the pain away…
***
“Daddddddy!” I was dragged from the murky depths by a small,excited voice…
‘Who…who are YOU? Where am I? Chris? What…huh…?’
“Look Daddy,open your eyes…it’s so beautiful here!”
I felt a small hand grab mine and as my vision was adjusting to the light,I saw that I was looking down into a tiny girl’s cherubic face…
I opened my eyes to an intense brightness and immediately had to squint…The voice laughed,”You’ll get used to it Daddy! C’mon! I’ve waited for you sooo long,Daddy! You’re with me Daddy!! You’re here with me!” She exclaimed gleefully though I was hard pressed to see her mouth move.
Her smile was mesmerizing…calming.She was dressed in all white…bright, bright white…white dress,white frilly socks and white shoes…Her skin,a light vanilla wafer hue of brown,contrasted greatly to her dress and the brightness surrounding us.Her face…unknown to me but so strikingly familiar…the smile…the piercing brown-green eyes…
‘Who are YOU and where is HERE?’
I actually seemed to be in a bright nothingness.I was standing but I wasn’t sure that there was anything solid beneath my feet…
“It’s Asia, Daddy”, she said with a giggle,”and you’re with me! You’re finally with me! C’mon!” The little hand tugged…
‘Asia…ASIA…but…but you…you didn’t make it!’ I stammered trying hard to recollect my thoughts…
***
I had gotten Tonya pregnant about a year after we’d been together. We found out the good news after the Army had me on orders for my second tour to Korea.About 3 months into the pregnancy,she started having complications and was put on bedrest. I was unable to get my orders deterred or deleted but I got to spend a few more months with her before I had to fly out. We had agreed that we’d name our baby ‘Asia’ after we found out it was gonna be a girl…
About month after I got to Korea,her complications worsened but since we were not married,the Army wouldn’t allow me emergency leave to go back stateside…Asia was born premature at 6 1/2 months and struggled for close to 2 weeks before…before ‘leaving us’…As the realization hit,I could feel tears began to cloud my vision…
“Don’t cry,Daddy! I love it here! It’s wonderful! It’s beautiful here! And you’ll love it here too! I love you ,Daddy! C’mon!”
Another tug at my hand.
I smiled…Our Asia…MY ASIA…
‘I’m so sorry,Asia! I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to see you! I wanted to be there so bad! I wanted to hold you just once…just once before you…you…’
“That’s okay,Daddy! Mommy would tell me over and over how much you loved me! That’s why I was able to stay with her as long as I did! I tried to wait for you Daddy! I tried so hard! That’s why I’m so happy you’re finally here! You’re finally here with me,Daddy!”
{“RAY? Ray!!? Where are you,Ray? Baby,you can’t leave us yet!”} A voice got louder in my head.{“Come home,baby,it’s not your time…not yet…”}
Suddenly I could hear other voices echoing through my head.I turned and could see the accident scene as if I were standing right in the middle of it.It was still a bright sunny day but now it was marred by a chaotic scene of firetrucks, policecars, ambulances, a helicopter, people in various uniforms scrambling to control the madness and traffic that seemed to be backed up for miles.
(“I’m not getting a pulse! We’ re losing him! Start CPR!”)
I could hear but with a little distortion…as if they were talking through some kind of barrier that muffled their voices…but once again I figured the ‘him’ was me.
{“Ray,you’ve got to come back…it’s not your time,baby!” } I recognized that voice as Nana’s.
In direct contrast to the scene I was witnessing,it was so calm and serene with Asia.The daughter that my heart had yearned for and then mourned for…’Daddy’s Little Girl’…
(“Come on,sir,breathe for us! You can do it!)
I turned and stared in shock for a moment as I took in the new scene before my eyes.I was on the helicopter’s gurney near the twisted wreckage of my car and I could see a couple of EMTs doing CPR on me while another kept a check on my pulse and yet another person held up an IV bag.I was pretty banged up…I could tell that my head had bled profusely… I probably suffered a concussion and had gone into shock.
A neck brace had been put on my neck and I was on a wooden board as a precaution not to aggravate any potential back injuries…my shirt had been cut open and I could see extensive bruising on my left side along my rib cage…my left pants leg was also cut and although there was some discoloration of my skin,I don’t think it was broken…Yeah,I learned alot about accessing a medical emergency in that Combat Medic Course…
“Daddy! Daddy please stay with me! I’ve missed you sooo much,Daddy!” The little hand tightened its grip on mine and tugged again…
{“Ray,baby,you’ve got to come back…It’s not your time,baby… There’s so much more in your life you have to do!”} Moms’ ‘voice’ was soothing;calming in the middle of the chaos…
(“Get the paddles ready!”)
“Daddy,I’m sooo lonely here! Will you please stay with me? I love you,Daddy!” Her voice had a slight tremor in it and as I looked at her face,I could see her eyes welling with tears…
{“Ray…it’s time for you to come back home…come back to ol’ Nana…”}
(“CLEAR!!)
I could feel a dull ache in my chest…
I looked at my Asia,speechless.Eyes full of questions I didn’t know if she could answer and heart full of love but also indecision…
“Daddy,do you have to go now? Can’t we play for a while? We never got a chance to play!” A single tear rolled down her cheek. I knelt down had wiped it away with my thumb.
‘Asia…I can’t stay.I wish I could but I can’t…I have to go back…’
“I know,Daddy,I know! I just wish you could stay with me for a little while longer!” She said and hugged me. I held her tightly and was reluctant to let her go…
“Daddy,do you love me? Do you love me as much as you love Christian?”
‘Yes…yes I do! And I miss you too…I miss you so much,baby! I lost a piece of my heart when you…died…’ I ‘said’,fighting back tears.’Nothing or no one could ever fill that void.But now that I see you…now that I’m here with you…I know I can be happy once again knowing that you are somewhere surrounded by love…’
“That’s YOUR love,Daddy! That’s your love and Mommy’s love that surrounds me! See how bright it is? Can you feel how it warms you all through and through,Daddy?”
‘Yes,I feel it,Baby Girl! You know,I always wanted to call you that…Always loved my ‘Baby Girl’…
“Will you ever tell Christian about me,Daddy?”
‘When he’s a little older and able to understand,I’ll tell him about you…I’ll tell him about his little sister!’
(“Still got no pulse! Increase the energy level!”)
She hugged me tighter.”I watch over him too,Daddy…and you and Mommy…I love you all so much…Will you tell Christian that you love me,Daddy?”
(CLEAR!!)
Another,more intense ache in my chest…
{“Ray…it’s time baby…time for you to come back…”}
‘Yes Asia,I’ll make sure he knows I love you…and that you love him,too.I think I better go now…’
{“Ray! It’s time!”}
We ended our embrace and I held her at arms length to look at her, ‘I DO love you,Asia and I’m happy I got a chance to see you.You are such a beautiful child…’
(“Let’s try again! Increase the energy level!)
“Tell Mommy that I love her too! Tell her I tried to stay with her…I really tried…” Her voice trailed off and once again tears were welling in her eyes. “Tell her I miss her,Daddy! Tell her I never meant to leave her like that…”
At that point,neither of us could hold back the tears …’I’ll tell her…I’ll tell her all about our little Asia,I promise!’
‘I have to go now…I’ll always remember this little time we shared until I see you again…’
“I know you will,Daddy!” Her voice was one of happiness again.She hugged me once more and whispered in my ear,”I love you! Goodbye, Daddy!”
Then she turned and ran off giggling into the brightness…
(CLEAR!!)
My chest seemed to explode and I was abruptly snatched backwards and was freefalling through a light that felt as if it would sear my skin. I don’t remember anything breaking my fall but as I regained consciousness, I realized I was still on the gurney…
“We’ve got a pulse! Let’s get him on the bird!” I could hear ‘The Voice’ once again that was in the car with me…I opened my eyes and after a few seconds to focus,I could make out three people pushing me on the gurney.One looked at me and saw that my eyes were open…
“We thought we lost you for a second,sir,” She was ‘The Voice’ from the car, ” Glad you could make it back!”
They loaded me up on the helicopter and minutes later I was airborne…
***
bcbandit6 